Supporting Kids to Develop Boundaries

“…Only by self-respect will you compel others to respect you.” – Dostoyevsky

One of the most important, but often overlooked, relationship skills in our culture is developing boundaries. A boundary is a social or emotional red line that it is not appropriate for others to cross, much in the same way we have physical boundaries between rooms or residences.

Communicating a boundary to others requires two ingredients. The first is sufficient self-respect to know that we deserve to be treated with kindness and consideration by others. The second is the strength/courage to express (and follow through with) a request or consequence when the various colourful characters in the world do not treat us with the respect we deserve.

One way I like to introduce boundaries to kids is by asking them how a family feels if the neighbour’s dog gets into their backyard and does its doggy business there, and why mums/dads may feel the need to talk to the neighbours when such a line is crossed.

Consider all the ways that a child might have their boundaries crossed during a single week:

· Another child at home/school pinches, pushes or grabs them without consent.
· An intruder in their personal space bubble.
· Receiving unkind words or name-calling.
· Inappropriate requests from other children or adults.
· Other children or adults pressuring them to do something they don’t want to do.
· Dealing with the annoying human tendency to give advice which wasn’t asked for in the first place.

Is it any wonder that some kids end up dysregulated by the end of the week, exploding with big feelings like sadness, anger, or worry towards the end of the day?

For this simple reason, I believe that children fortunate enough to have developed healthy boundaries tend to have a lot less emotional problems.

An easy way to role model boundaries to children – other than developing and expressing good boundaries in your own daily life, which is so important – is to rehearse with them, and praise them whenever you hear them using, boundary setting sentences like the following:

“I’ll think about it.”
“You’re a little close to me. Could you please back up?”
“I’m not comfortable with that. Please stop.”
“That isn’t funny to me.”
“I will end this conversation if you keeping speaking to me that way.”
“I’m not looking for advice currently.”

Warmly,

Damian Gerber
Student & Family Counsellor